The assault which changed my life forever
The 7th & 8th of September will never just be another date to me. I’ll never pass that date again without remembering the traumatic events that came with it. The assault I endured changed my life forever. I tried not to let it, but as each day has passed, things for me have got harder.
I’ve never had someone look at me the way you did that day, with so much hate and anger.
I’m here today to share my story, to say how all this has affected and essentially changed my life.
I don’t sleep very well anymore. I have a lot of nightmares. There’s been nights where I haven’t slept at all, as the painful memories and flashbacks keep me awake. As I lose sleep, my energy levels, and therefore my mood and work has been effected. Until recently, I worked full-time. As you can imagine it’s very hard to work to my full potential when I am exhausted and anxious.
My anxiety is crippling. For a long time after the attack, I didn’t leave my house out of fear of people seeing my bruised body, or the bald patches on my head from where my hair had been pulled out. My confidence was really effected. I felt that everyone knew what had happened. A simple task like walking to the shop for milk became something I needed to plan for hours before actually doing.
My trust is shattered. I question everyone’s intentions when they interact with me. I’m afraid to meet new people. The thought of opening up to anyone, even a counselor terrifies me. I suffer severe flashbacks and I end up in floods of tears and having panic attacks.
I felt so depressed and alone at one stage that simply not being here anymore seemed more of attractive than waking up every day to endure painful, vivid flashbacks in my head.
I will never forget how I felt, lying on that floor, beside our kitchen table where we had shared so many meals together. Your hands wrapped around my neck, so tightly that it made me think I would never see my family again. My Legs felt hot, itchy and where bleeding from the carpet burns, my nails where ripped off because I was trying so hard to get you off me. My whole body was sore from the beatings. All I could do was lie there and take it because you were too strong and I was too weak. The arms I trusted for so long to keep me safe, where the arms that ended up hurting me so badly.
It’s hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that somebody could want to hurt me so violently. Especially someone who claimed to have loved me so deeply.
After the attack, I was a shell of my former self, I had to rebuild my life from the ground up. I lost my home, I was isolated from all my friends. I missed a lot of work trying to cover up the marks left on me, and recovering from the other physical & mental injuries I was left with too. I had no confidence or trust, mentally I was exhausted.
I can stand here today and say that I have rebuilt myself as a stronger woman. I have my friends back, amazing supportive people surround me now, that I can’t imagine being without. I have a new job that I love, and intend to go very far in.
I’m learning to be happy again. Rebuilding a broken life isn’t easy and it’s something I never pictured having to do, but I have, and will continue to do so. I may be a victim but I am also a survivor.
Even so, I still suffer every day from the painful memories that live in my head from that weekend.
I am not bitter. Nor do I hate you or have any bad feelings towards you anymore, other than disappointment. I am not a monster. I feel empathy towards you and your family. But, while your mother probably has had many sleepless nights, so have my parents. When my mother and father saw me in that hospital bed after the attack it almost killed them. The thought that they couldn’t protect their only daughter.
And last of all, I pray for you. I pray you heal from whatever it is that you are internally struggling with. Whatever it was that caused you so much pain and anger that you took it out on me. I wish you the best.
I’m not a spiteful person, I hope you see this statement, not as an attack on you, but more of a way of letting you know how I was effected by YOUR actions, so that you can use this to grow and become a better person.