Being able to tell the difference between healthy, unhealthy and abusive relationships can be difficult. No two relationships are the same, so what’s unhealthy in one relationship may be abusive in another. Although there may be many signs, here are the most common red flags indicating that a partner or family member is being abusive.
- “Loveboming” – your partner is over the top, overwhelming you, it feels like too much too soon. They lie to cover up their own insecurities and behave obsessively. They may give you excessive gifts, make crazy promises, try and move to fast into cohabiting / having a baby / getting married. They want to make you feel like you owe them, like you are on the back foot.
- Jealousy: Your partner is irrational and gets angry when you speak with someone they perceive (or pretend to perceive) as a threat. They persistently accuse you of flirtatious or inappropriate behaviour and invent scenarios and fabricate events to make you appear guilty.
- Anger: Your partner overreacts or lashes out over small things. They are quick to lose control, easily becoming violent, frightening and threatening you.
- Control: Your partner tells you what to wear, who to hang out with, when to speak or what to think. They errode your self-confidence until you think that they know better than you. You no longer even know what you like.
- Isolation: You partner gradually cuts you off from your social network. They might still go out and see friends and family, but you find that you are not allowed to, that your friends are no good / a bad influence on you / don’t have your best interests at heart. Your partner may refuse to interact with your friends and family or make it difficult or impossible for you to see them. When you do manage it, they make such a fuss that you feel like it isn’t worth it. They might invent reasons why you shouldn’t see your friends and family.
- Sabotage: Your partner disrupts your normal life, making you miss work, school, appointments and things that are important to you by starting a fight, pretending to be sick, breaking up with you or hiding your phone or keys.
- Criticism: Your partner calls you names and brainwashes you to feel worthless.
- Blame: Your partner makes you feel guilty and like everything, even their own behaviour, is somehow your fault.
- Alcohol & drugs: Your partner becomes overly emotional after drinking or taking drugs; sobbing, threatening to self-harm, raping you or becoming violent or angry. Afterwards, they say they don’t remember what happened. They use drinking as an excuse for poor behaviour.
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